Be Here Now

Some days are almost perfect. 

Yesterday though, had me on the kitchen floor, crying while trying to make dinner.  Children have a way of pushing you to your breaking point, questioning your sanity and wondering if you're even equipped to be a parent in the first place.  Or is it just me and mine?

I read a lot of parenting books.  Or, maybe I just own a lot of parenting books and should read them more thoroughly, but in any case, I'm pretty sure my main problem is fear.  I love these kids so much, but I'm afraid I'm going screw them up.  That they won't be healthy or happy.  Maybe that I'll scar them emotionally and they won't want me in their lives when they are older.  I also read something about feeling powerless in some moments and I do believe that goes back to my fears.  So what am I doing?  What am I even saying?  I don't know.  Why are some days so pleasant and some days so hard?   

I'm working on being present.  You know the book Be Here Now?  I think of that book all the time.  I say that phrase all the time.  Be here now.  Be here now.  Where is my mind?  It's on the dishes, the messes, lunch, what we need to do before we do the thing we need to do next and the thing after that and on and on.  Someone posted in my Instagram feed about being present today and it is something I am going to be working on.

This morning while Dahlia took her nap I bought my boys to the basement to play hide and seek.  If there is a more hilarious game to play with a 4 year old and a 2.5 year old, I would like to know it.  I love it.  I love the hiding, helping them find spots, seeking, laughing at the way they like to hide in the same spots over and over.  They like to play in semi-darkness with flashlights and it gets a little spooky, so they don't always like to hide by themselves and if they are looking for me, they like it when I call out in a crazy voice.  We played for over an hour before we needed a snack.  You know, this is one of our worst times of day usually.  I'm cleaning up breakfast and prepping for whatever is "next" and they get bored and will seek out attention.  ANY attention.  My oldest in particular has a hard time with this.  So for now, I'm going to try to really engage with them during this time.  Things can be sticky.  Stuff can stay messy.  I want to play with them, and they want and deserve my attention.

I think there are a few things that will help me achieve this goal.

1. Have breakfast ready.  This will take me almost no time, these people practically live on peanut butter and jelly or oatmeal.

2. Put the damn phone away.  Enough said.

Do you have trouble living in the moment?  Have you read Be Here Now?  Do you like to cry while you make peanut butter and jelly?  Any tips you think I could use?

Also, shout out to my neighbor, Mrs. Kathy, for making us tacos for dinner.